5 Times You’ve Wanted to Quit Chicago

A few weeks ago, I sat at a coffee shop eavesdropping on a tourist’s conversation with a local. Bob, the tourist, was travelling from Pittsburgh and was surprised to find himself feeling safe in our city. Bob wondered, “Is crime in Chicago really as dreadful as it appears on the national news?” The local’s response? It was so perfect, I had to tweet it.

What.

A Tale of Two Cities

For the past few months, I’ve debated whether or not a new segment would be a good idea for this site. I got the idea while watching a video clip about “Chiraq”. Yes, I hate that term too. In the video a police officer pleads with potential tourists, and I’m paraphrasing, “Don’t let the city’s reputation deter you. Our widely publicized murder rate has no bearing on our ability to provide a safe and satisfying experience for visitors. It really comes down to a tale of two cities. The city you see on the news exists far away from downtown Chicago. Trust us. You’re safe on Michigan Avenue.”

Chicago sucks

If this isn’t the equivalent of a doctor trying to convince a patient that cancer in the foot has no effect on the rest of the body, though. More accurately, that the foot is the only area even susceptible to sickness… but I digress.

An interview segment featuring everyday people from all over the city, tentatively titled “60 Minutes on a Random Chicago Corner”, would be a great way to shed light on subjects many would rather ignore, I reasoned. It would quickly become clear to readers that not everyone on the South Side has been shot at, drugs exist everywhere from Oak Park to Englewood, and even some WASPs don’t make it to college.

Perhaps you’ve already come to the conclusion I did while sitting in that coffee shop a few weeks ago. “60 Minutes” would be a terrible idea. For one, not only has the subject been done to death by every neighborhood and citywide newspaper, but, more significantly, this belief that Chicago is a “tale of two cities” is comforting. It makes some people feel safe and in control, far away from the dangers experienced by the poor, black, and forgotten. It was then, while sipping my Pumpkin Spice latte, I wanted for the millionth time this year to get the heck out of Dodge. I was ready to quit Chicago.

Maybe you too at times have felt the urge to quit your job, break your lease, and move far away from this intolerable city we love so much. Here are a few days where that impulse was probably the strongest.

  1. Monday, January 6th, 2014
The Weather in Chicago
Flurries are an understatement

Temperatures drop to -18 F, making Chicago colder than both the South Pole in Antarctica and parts of Siberia. Also ensuring the term “Chiberia” would be used by sensationalizing meteorologists for years to come. O joy.

  1. Tuesday, January 1st, 2013

Chicago Sucks

Chicago’s parking meters become the most expensive in North America – the continent of North America, folks. Fun trivia: In 2008, most meters cost only $.25 per hour. Since a private company owns and profits from the city’s meters, these extra coins will of course not be going to the funding of public services. You’re welcome.

  1. Monday, September 16th, 2013

OprahThe FBI releases 2012’s crime statistics and within days Chicago is named the murder capital of America. The term was incessantly published, repeated, and paved a clear road for language like “Chiraq”.

  1. Monday, June 27th, 2011

Blagojavich

Disgraced ex-governor Rob Blagojevich is found guilty of 17 out of 20 charges, including the attempt to sell President Obama’s vacated Senate seat. We’re all reminded how Chicago earned its most famous nickname and political life in the city continued business as usual.

  1. Tuesday, August 30th, 2005

Nothing to wear

Marshall Field’s is acquired by Macy’s, Inc. Our favorite hometown shopping hero, which survived both The Great Chicago Fire and local protests regarding its name, succumbs to death by economy and is renamed a few months later. The world has not been the same since.

Isn’t it amazing how the majority of these dates fall on a Monday? Anyway, are there any days I missed?